i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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