Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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