I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
