Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
