We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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