it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
