On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
