Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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