I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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