Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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