He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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