i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize