Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
