How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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