i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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