Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
