No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
