I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
