I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
