I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
