I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
