Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
