this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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