a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
