Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
