Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
