remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
