Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
