I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
