i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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