Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
