We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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