We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
