I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
