I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
