you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who died my cat blue again?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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