Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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