so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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