Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
23 People Confess The Lamest Things They’ve Ever Done To Fit In
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
These 27 Texts Prove Pets Make Better BFFs Than Humans
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.