Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
