why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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