how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
