between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
