Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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