and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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