dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
