i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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