what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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