True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
