Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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