Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
