I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
