i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Randomize
