Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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