I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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