my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
